The obligatory first post explanation

I've decided to write this blog because I have found that writing helps me analyze my feelings in a more effective way than just obsessing about them. Also, I have found a lot of blogs that have helped me get through certain things in my life, and I figured, maybe this will help someone else.

A short explanation about the motivations behind my name, and consequently my url:

I am afraid of a lot of things, and mostly I am afraid of a lot of things directly because of my weight. This blog is going to be a chronicle of the fears I will attempt to overcome. Mind you, I do not have any serious phobias that I am overcoming, it's mostly things having to do with my self-confidence, or just things I worry too much about.

The self-consciousness is mostly because of my weight, so here's a little background on that:

I, like so many other over-weight people, have tried a million things to lose weight. I did the cabbage soup crap, nutrisystem, diet pills (short lived, thank god), ab belts (like that was going to work...my abs are under so much fat, all I got was a pinch), cranberry juice diet, south beach...etc. The thing is, I am a very impatient person, so I was always looking for a quick fix. Currently, I am on my 3rd try with Weight Watchers; I always see results with WW, but before I would get angry for losing only a pound or two a week. I think a lot of my weight issues come from my mother. It's not her fault per se, but she definitely influenced me by making comments about my weight and then saying, "I'm not saying this to be mean...blah blah blah." This will most likely be an entry down the line, because telling my mom how I really feel is one of my biggest fears since she is very sensitive and will make me feel awful if I tell her these things...but that's for a later time. Anyway, the bottom line is in my stats:

Weight-259 (was 260.4, but I weighed in today at WW and lost 1.4 lbs)
Height-5'7"
BMI-40.6
Age-23

Which brings me to the first fear I want to explore: my fear of telling peopl I am trying to lose weight.

I have done so many "diets" in my life, it's brodering on ridiculous. I am 23 and I have been on and off diets since the time I was 10. Each time, I get really excited and really into it, but I always have this hesitation about telling people what I am doing and why I am doing it. I have these hesitations for a number of reasons. Top five...
5) I am afraid of saying I am eating better, or on a diet, because I have this insane mentality that the minute I say I am fat and I need to do this, then people will realize I am fat. Hello, like people can't see that anyway. All in all, it's embarassment.
4) When I was younger and I would tell my friends I was going on a diet, they would talk me out of it...now I don't know if this was because they needed the token fat girl around (which is plausible considering what assholes they turned out to be), or if they were just doing the teenaged girl thing of overly reassuring everyone of everything because they think their friends are fishing for compliments.
3) People asking me if I can eat certain things (this is specifically for when I do WW) or suggesting something for lunch and then saying, "Oh wait you can't have that, you're on a diet." I am constantly having to tell people that I am not on a diet, I can eat whatever I want, I just have to keep track of it and pay more attention. One woman I work with always asks/does this, and I know she's trying to be helpful, but seriously, you wanna help out? Go volunteer somewhere and shut the hell up. I don't need people assuming they know what I can and cannot eat.
2) People judging me. Although I try to keep this one out of it, I never can. And fatties have a hell of a double standard, too. I feel like when I go out to a restaurant and order something healthy, people are thinking, "why bother trying?" but when I order something unhealthy they are all, "no surprises the fatty is stuffing her face." (for the record, I hate it when yummy sounding good food is actually called 'the diet platter' or some shit like that...really diner? that's what you are calling it? it's b.s.) All in all, I feel like fat people are made fun of because of their weight, but they are also judged when they try to do something about it, like "look at her at the gym, who is she trying to kid?" and a lot of this stems from the stereotype that fat people are too lazy to do anything other than be fat.
1) failing. I have failed at losing weight before, and it blows. but the worst part is going back to your old ways when all these people know that you are aware of your weight and you just don't have the willpower/courage/determination to change it anymore. I think this is where the lazy stereotype come from, but I also think that the fear of failure, and ultimitely the failure itself, drives a lot of us to overeat and self-medicate with food. Because who has ever gone off a "diet" and maintained the weight they lost. I know every time I've "failed" I gained back what I had and then some.

I have hidden behind my weight and my sense of humor for a really, really long time. But I am bored with it now. So I will set people straight about my "diet" and I will order the low-cal plate at the restaurant by my house because at this point, my pride can handle saying "low-cal plate" better than it can handle continuing to look at pictures of myself (which, I'll hopefully post next time) and being disgusted. I can deal witht the judgement of others, but not my own judgement.

Besides, funny fat girls are a dime a dozen. We've all developed a defense mechanism to make up for what we see as our lack of physical attributes. So I'll take the humor, without the side of fries right now, and see how things go.