Run like an antelope

It's late, and I'm still up, despite the fact that I have work in the morn. In my defense, I am borderline insomniac, and we got some really exciting news tonight (by we, I mean my dad).

A little back story about my dad:

5 1/2 years ago, I washed my hands of my dad. I didn't want anything to do with him because he was a raging alcoholic and I was done dealing with him. I didn't have it all that bad growing up with his drinking because he never physically abused anybody, but after almost 20 years of dealing with his emotional baggage, I gave up. It was one month into my freshman year in college that he finally got sober for good; September 29th 2003 to be exact. When he quit drinking, he substituted booze with sugar. He would get up in the middle of the night and put 3 tbsp of sugar on chocolate cereal and eat 3 bowls like that. After 3 years sober (and 3 years of awful eating habits) he had enough of being unhealthy; he figured, what was the point to all his struggles with sobriety if he was just going to drop dead of an obesity-realated disease. So he started to eat better and workout like he used to when I was a kid. At his highest weight, I think he was around 280. At one point, when he was down 40lbs, he was having these really weird chest pains whenever he worked out. He went to the doctor, they did an angiogram, and they discovered that one of his arteries was 95% blocked. I don't remember the proper name for the artery, but its nickname is the Widow Maker because so few people notice the symptoms when this specific artery is getting dangerously blocked, and they subsequently die suddenly. He was able to have a procedure done that day to rectify this blockage, and a stent (stint?) was put in to help. When he was able to get active again, he became really interested in triathlons and dropped another 30 lbs so he could prepare for his first tri race. After the first one, he was hooked. He's been in so many different races since 2007, it's hard to even count. My mom made him a shadow box with all of his racing achievements and there were so many additions, she has to make two more just to fit all his bib numbers and medals. In becoming infatuated with racing, he got a good portion of my immediate and extended family into better eating and exercise habits, and examining their overall health. He was thrilled when he changed jobs in September because he became the head chef at a hospital and is now able to incorporate more nutritious cooking into his daily routine.

So, after all that, what is the good news? There is a race, a triathlon specifically, called Escape from Alcatraz. It is one of the most exclusive races in the country with only 2,000 competitors (compared to the 30,000 in the Chicago Triathlon). There are two ways to qualify: win your age group and category in one of six qualifying races (ie 50-54 year olds over 200 lbs), or enter your name into a lottery. Tonight, my dad got an e-mail telling him that he won the lottery and he will be able to compete in this year's Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon. Only two people from each state are chosen from the lottery pool and the chances are almost like the actually lottery because of how many athletes submit their names. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my dad because of how competitive his age group category has become (in one of last summer's races, the 1st place finisher in his category finished faster than the winner in the 25-29 category). Ever since he has been living his healthier lifestyle, the Alcatraz tri has been one of his dreams, and now he gets to do it. It was really funny to see him speechless because my dad talks A LOT. It was also kind of funny to see him rush down the stairs like a kid at Christmas, and just sputter nonsense for a while.

I had something completely different planned for tonight's blog, but I'm going to save it for tomorrow or Thursday because of the fun-time happy-good events of tonight. The above picture is of me and my dad when we did Bike the Drive last Memorial Day (It's also me at, or very close to, my starting weight).

Oh, and since I haven't posted in a while, my current weight is 254. I lost 2.2 this week, and I am down a total of 6.4.

Slackeriffic

I have been a complete slacker with my blog the past two weeks, but I plan on posting later on tonight, after my weigh in with Weight watchers, and probably while I'm watching Biggest Loser. I have lost of good stuff...I promise! :)

Uplifting

I have had a pretty great day today. I sent a friend of mine a link to my blog, which I wasn't planning on doing just yet. It goes back to some of the things I wrote in the first entry about being apprehensive about telling people you know and love what you are doing in regards to weight loss...and I think I was most embarrassed than anything else.

Anyway, I sent her this link, and it was waaaayyy less horrific than I thought it was going to be. And by that I mean it wasn't horrific at all, which I should have realized because this person is one of the people who understands me the most, and has been one of the best friends I've ever had (how's that for sentimental, Julie). This is also the friend that pointed out to me a while ago that I really hide what I am feeling, even around the people I trust most, so I figured it was fitting to have her be the first one of my close friends I talk to about my weight and my issues surrounding it.

So, in sending a simple e-mail that started as a joke about a Rod Stuart song and a fake lesbian relationship, a lot of anxiety and unnecessary worrying was let go in my mind, and it reminded me of something I'm NOT afraid of (which is weird because this is something that most people, overweight or not, are anxious about).

I am not at all self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit. Yes, to some that might seem trivial when it's written like that, but if you think about it, it is not at all trivial; almost every woman (and even most men) are extremely self-conscious about "swimsuit season."

Why am I not anxious about this? I used to be on the swimming and water polo teams when I was in high school. I was already overweight at this point (200 lbs at the very beginning of my freshman year), so you would think that I would already be a little self-conscious about being in a bathing suit when I was that overweight and a 14 year old girl on top of all that. I was at first. Probably the first 2 weeks, I was self-conscious as hell. But there were a few girls on the team who were around my size, and they walked around like they didn't notice how big they were. After a while, I was so used to being in a bathing suit, that I stopped caring that racing bathing suits were waaayyyy more revealing than the usual one piece I wore in the summer. And for the record, even with all the intense practices, I still didn't manage to lose weight because I still ate a ton...swimming=carbing up for big tournaments=pasta parties for the whole team...yea, not so good when you aren't swimming in the tournament because you're on J.V.

From there, I became a life guard, and then head life guard, and then pool manager, which lasted until my senior year in college. So I spent a sizable amount of my life in a bathing suit, in public. I am a pasty white Irish girl with tons of freckles and about 100 extra lbs to spare, not what you would imagine in a lifeguard, but I never really felt self-conscious just walking around the pool deck with my much tanner, much tinier counterparts.

Even now that I am just getting back into a swimming routine, I walk around in my bathing suit like I own the pool at the gym because the pool is where I feel comfortable...the skinny lifeguards might have looked better in the bikinis they wore during their breaks, but it was always me they came to for swimming tips, and I could always go faster in the water. Hey, you're weightless in water, so there's that :)

Thanks, homie for helping me out!

The obligatory first post explanation

I've decided to write this blog because I have found that writing helps me analyze my feelings in a more effective way than just obsessing about them. Also, I have found a lot of blogs that have helped me get through certain things in my life, and I figured, maybe this will help someone else.

A short explanation about the motivations behind my name, and consequently my url:

I am afraid of a lot of things, and mostly I am afraid of a lot of things directly because of my weight. This blog is going to be a chronicle of the fears I will attempt to overcome. Mind you, I do not have any serious phobias that I am overcoming, it's mostly things having to do with my self-confidence, or just things I worry too much about.

The self-consciousness is mostly because of my weight, so here's a little background on that:

I, like so many other over-weight people, have tried a million things to lose weight. I did the cabbage soup crap, nutrisystem, diet pills (short lived, thank god), ab belts (like that was going to work...my abs are under so much fat, all I got was a pinch), cranberry juice diet, south beach...etc. The thing is, I am a very impatient person, so I was always looking for a quick fix. Currently, I am on my 3rd try with Weight Watchers; I always see results with WW, but before I would get angry for losing only a pound or two a week. I think a lot of my weight issues come from my mother. It's not her fault per se, but she definitely influenced me by making comments about my weight and then saying, "I'm not saying this to be mean...blah blah blah." This will most likely be an entry down the line, because telling my mom how I really feel is one of my biggest fears since she is very sensitive and will make me feel awful if I tell her these things...but that's for a later time. Anyway, the bottom line is in my stats:

Weight-259 (was 260.4, but I weighed in today at WW and lost 1.4 lbs)
Height-5'7"
BMI-40.6
Age-23

Which brings me to the first fear I want to explore: my fear of telling peopl I am trying to lose weight.

I have done so many "diets" in my life, it's brodering on ridiculous. I am 23 and I have been on and off diets since the time I was 10. Each time, I get really excited and really into it, but I always have this hesitation about telling people what I am doing and why I am doing it. I have these hesitations for a number of reasons. Top five...
5) I am afraid of saying I am eating better, or on a diet, because I have this insane mentality that the minute I say I am fat and I need to do this, then people will realize I am fat. Hello, like people can't see that anyway. All in all, it's embarassment.
4) When I was younger and I would tell my friends I was going on a diet, they would talk me out of it...now I don't know if this was because they needed the token fat girl around (which is plausible considering what assholes they turned out to be), or if they were just doing the teenaged girl thing of overly reassuring everyone of everything because they think their friends are fishing for compliments.
3) People asking me if I can eat certain things (this is specifically for when I do WW) or suggesting something for lunch and then saying, "Oh wait you can't have that, you're on a diet." I am constantly having to tell people that I am not on a diet, I can eat whatever I want, I just have to keep track of it and pay more attention. One woman I work with always asks/does this, and I know she's trying to be helpful, but seriously, you wanna help out? Go volunteer somewhere and shut the hell up. I don't need people assuming they know what I can and cannot eat.
2) People judging me. Although I try to keep this one out of it, I never can. And fatties have a hell of a double standard, too. I feel like when I go out to a restaurant and order something healthy, people are thinking, "why bother trying?" but when I order something unhealthy they are all, "no surprises the fatty is stuffing her face." (for the record, I hate it when yummy sounding good food is actually called 'the diet platter' or some shit like that...really diner? that's what you are calling it? it's b.s.) All in all, I feel like fat people are made fun of because of their weight, but they are also judged when they try to do something about it, like "look at her at the gym, who is she trying to kid?" and a lot of this stems from the stereotype that fat people are too lazy to do anything other than be fat.
1) failing. I have failed at losing weight before, and it blows. but the worst part is going back to your old ways when all these people know that you are aware of your weight and you just don't have the willpower/courage/determination to change it anymore. I think this is where the lazy stereotype come from, but I also think that the fear of failure, and ultimitely the failure itself, drives a lot of us to overeat and self-medicate with food. Because who has ever gone off a "diet" and maintained the weight they lost. I know every time I've "failed" I gained back what I had and then some.

I have hidden behind my weight and my sense of humor for a really, really long time. But I am bored with it now. So I will set people straight about my "diet" and I will order the low-cal plate at the restaurant by my house because at this point, my pride can handle saying "low-cal plate" better than it can handle continuing to look at pictures of myself (which, I'll hopefully post next time) and being disgusted. I can deal witht the judgement of others, but not my own judgement.

Besides, funny fat girls are a dime a dozen. We've all developed a defense mechanism to make up for what we see as our lack of physical attributes. So I'll take the humor, without the side of fries right now, and see how things go.